Full Transcript

·YouTLDR

If You Laugh, You're Conservative PT.404 Memes & Comedy for Republicans & Trump Supporters |MAGA

31:53EnglishTranscribed Jul 28, 2026
0:00

Bro is exactly who the Marines are

0:02

looking for.

0:02

>> I state your full name. I state your

0:05

full name.

0:07

[laughter]

0:09

>> Welcome back to If You Laugh, You're

0:11

Conservative.

0:12

>> ISIS is here.

0:18

>> What?

0:19

>> I was just wondering, how do black

0:22

people know their ancestors were slaves

0:24

when they don't even know who their

0:26

father is?

0:28

Something to think about. [laughter] How

0:30

to save a wife's life.

0:32

>> I'm losing her. Have we tried

0:34

everything? Is she married? Uh, yes.

0:37

Ma'am, your husband [music] has just sat

0:38

down and he looks comfortable.

0:40

>> Babe, could you help me move? [laughter]

0:44

>> It's funny because it's true.

0:46

>> Hi. Just a reminder that even if you

0:48

don't like somebody and even if they did

0:50

something wrong, using the incorrect

0:52

pronouns to refer to somebody is

0:55

>> something that 99.99%

0:57

of uh the population doesn't give two

0:59

about. Just wanted to finish the video

1:01

for you.

1:02

>> A man voice prank.

1:04

>> Man,

1:06

the grocery store.

1:10

>> Hey, buddy. [laughter]

1:13

Hey, can you help me over here by the

1:16

charcoal?

1:18

[laughter]

1:21

>> Is that you?

1:27

>> There should be a man standing here in

1:28

this vicinity.

1:33

[laughter]

1:33

>> What the hell?

1:35

>> You can't shame me wanting money,

1:38

resources, and things from a man. Why?

1:42

Because they're not useful for anything

1:43

else.

1:44

>> You know, it's okay to expect something

1:46

like that from a man. If you're also

1:48

bringing value to the relationship, are

1:49

you taking care of the home, the kids?

1:51

What are you bringing? Working as a blue

1:53

collar.

1:58

You freeze like a man.

2:04

>> What are you, a gay boy?

2:15

The new viral Tik Tok video has called

2:17

attention to the scourge of quote

2:18

unquote trapped water.

2:20

>> I'm on this quest to dump out any water

2:23

that gets trapped in the plastic because

2:26

once it's trapped in these plastic

2:29

bottles, we now have lost it basically

2:33

forever.

2:34

>> If you find a bottle laying around with

2:35

liquid inside, dump the liquid on the

2:37

ground. Don't even worry about what the

2:39

liquid is. just, you know, dump it on

2:40

the ground. And if you don't, eventually

2:42

the earth will run out of water.

2:46

>> Hello, y'all.

2:47

>> What was that?

2:48

>> Why you got to flatten the burger? This

2:51

is how you start a Banshee.

2:58

She heard kickstart and uh that's what

3:00

she thought it meant when child support

3:03

hits your bank account.

3:05

>> Oo, child support just hit my bank

3:07

account. Time to go online shopping.

3:10

>> It's not child support if we're still

3:12

married. That's my paycheck.

3:16

>> This is called foreshadowing. So, this

3:18

Uber driver was wearing a Trump hat and

3:20

two ladies freak out and demand he

3:21

remove it. He doesn't

3:23

>> want to understand who this guy is that

3:26

you're wearing. This guy, this

3:27

disgusting pig that you're wearing.

3:30

>> Ladies,

3:30

>> sir,

3:31

>> I suggest you take a breath and relax

3:34

>> because this is just an Uber ride. Did

3:36

he just tell two women to relax? I don't

3:39

think he's married

3:40

>> and I'm not and I [laughter] take

3:41

offense to you telling me what to wear

3:43

and what not to wear in my own house or

3:46

I not care about what we're paying. Do

3:48

you want it?

3:49

>> Do you want it to Do you want five

3:50

stars? Cuz we'll leave you zero stars if

3:52

you can't accommodate.

3:53

>> You know what? You know what? Just pull

3:54

over because you are

3:55

>> Look, we're in the We're in the middle

3:56

of the road. You want me to pull over?

3:58

>> I don't understand why you can't just

3:59

take the hat off. Like I don't

4:00

understand what like it's really that

4:01

hard for making her upset. Do you not

4:03

care that you're making my mother cry

4:05

right now?

4:06

>> Take your hat off now or just pull over.

4:08

>> SERIOUSLY, PLEASE. I'M NOT GOING TO PULL

4:11

>> Take your freaking hat off. Okay,

4:14

>> I'm recording.

4:15

>> Seriously,

4:15

>> now I'm going to pull over to

4:18

>> That's called assault. You should not be

4:20

touching me.

4:20

>> Getting out. Pull over.

4:23

>> I can't tell if this is real.

4:26

>> I mean, I know they're real delusional,

4:27

so could be. When your family's never

4:29

been to a golf tournament before.

4:35

>> Hey, good shot, [ __ ] [laughter]

4:39

>> When my 5-ft girlfriend buys the bottle

4:41

for the party.

4:46

[laughter]

4:48

>> Could you validate my parking? Yes, of

4:49

course, sir.

4:52

>> Good job. You got in between the lines

4:55

and everything.

4:56

>> I'm a good parker. You are a good

4:58

Parker. I'm a good businessman. The best

5:00

businessman.

5:01

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. To validate your

5:03

business sense, that's going to cost

5:04

extra.

5:05

>> And yes, you are. Yes, you are. A Muslim

5:08

guy ran a gay pride parade in He was

5:11

Muslim.

5:13

This is my shocked face. Germany. Many

5:17

people were injured. One was killed. The

5:19

guy jumped out of his car, started

5:21

hitting people with a machete. The guy

5:23

escaped and there was a manhood. And

5:25

Germany wouldn't tell everyone his

5:27

identity until finally they did and it

5:29

turns out it was a Muslim guy.

5:30

>> Yeah, if it was a white guy that would

5:32

have hit the headlines before they even

5:33

knew what his name was. Interesting how

5:35

he used a van and a machete. No gun

5:38

involved whatsoever. It's almost like

5:40

people kill people, not guns.

5:42

>> I'm going to get in trouble for saying

5:43

this, but the fact that white people

5:45

want to be tan, which is brown, even

5:47

though brown and black people get killed

5:49

because of the color of their skin, has

5:51

never made sense to me. You do know that

5:54

people naturally tan when they actually

5:57

go outside. You should consider it.

5:59

>> Those pants are way too loose.

6:03

What are you talking about?

6:07

[laughter] Okay. Guy butts are funny.

6:09

What can I say? When your husband

6:11

convinced you to go on a snorkel tour,

6:13

but failed to mention it was on mermaid

6:15

motorcycles.

6:18

Oh, white people.

6:20

When will we learn? [laughter]

6:28

Which way? To the beach. That way.

6:31

[laughter] This is why he loves going to

6:33

school.

6:34

>> Merry Christmas and thank you. All

6:38

right. Y'all ready,

6:39

>> homie? I think you're a little too old.

6:40

You got a full goatee. It's about time.

6:44

>> One,

6:47

>> two,

6:50

THREE.

6:52

>> Long John Silvers in the car.

6:54

>> They out here talking about who keeping

6:55

Long John Silvers in business.

7:02

[laughter]

7:04

>> Maul Vinegar in the car. I don't know.

7:07

Send this video to somebody who's under

7:10

6 feet tall. Hey there, little fella.

7:14

Who's a good boy? Maybe one day you'll

7:16

be bigger.

7:18

>> Plot twist. This dude's probably 5'4.

7:21

>> Call me crazy if you want, but I've

7:22

never liked storebought pesto.

7:24

>> Wow, that's really crazy. Susie, did you

7:26

know that in 1912, former President

7:28

Teddy Roosevelt was getting ready to

7:30

give a speech in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

7:32

and a bar owner tried to kill him and

7:35

shot him in the chest. And Teddy

7:37

Roosevelt, who was an avid hunter,

7:39

concluded that because he wasn't

7:40

coughing up blood, he was okay. So, he

7:43

still gave his speech to his supporters

7:45

with a bullet lodged in his chest. And

7:48

he started the speech by saying,

7:49

"Friends, you may not know this, but

7:51

I've been shot. It'll take more than

7:53

that to kill a bull moose." Did you know

7:55

that later doctors analyzed his body and

7:58

concluded that it would be safer for him

8:00

to keep the bullet in his chest than to

8:03

try to remove it? So for the rest of his

8:05

life he walked around with the

8:07

assassination attempts bullet lodged in

8:10

his body. But that's crazy you don't

8:13

like storebought pesto. [laughter]

8:15

>> Crazy. Just a couple of crazy people

8:17

there, huh? [snorts]

8:18

>> Some people say they got that dog in

8:20

them, but not me. I got that deer in me

8:25

cuz I always feel like running into

8:26

oncoming traffic.

8:29

>> Are you Puerto Rican for real? If you

8:31

don't put your bread inside your coffee,

8:34

this is so good, y'all.

8:37

>> Are you Mexican for real? If you don't

8:39

put your kcha inside your Starbucks,

8:41

[laughter]

8:42

>> this is so good, y'all.

8:44

>> Who did it better? I think he did. So,

8:46

LeBron is going to Philadelphia. Here's

8:49

a LeBron letter read by Morgan Freeman.

8:52

Before anyone ever cared, where I

8:54

[music] would play basketball,

8:55

[laughter]

8:56

I was a kid from northeast Ohio.

8:59

It's where I walked. It's where I ran.

9:03

It's where I cried.

9:07

It's where I bled.

9:09

Rage baiting my cat.

9:14

Really

9:17

just trying to take a bath here, man.

9:23

>> [laughter]

9:25

>> You done?

9:31

[laughter]

9:35

Many of you know that Vikings used to

9:37

put grass on top of their houses, but

9:39

you might not know why. It's because so

9:42

they cannot be seen by enemy aircraft.

9:45

the more you know.

9:46

>> We call that Democrat history cuz it's

9:48

whatever they want it to be.

9:50

>> Do not worry. I found it. It's called a

9:52

space suitcase. All right. We put the

9:53

battery in. If I press this, it's

9:56

supposed to follow me. I Oh my Oh my

9:59

goodness. Oh my goodness. OH MY GOOD. SO

10:01

if I put it in my pocket, it was just

10:03

supposed TO FOLLOW ME.

10:06

>> You got to put an R2-D2 cover on that as

10:10

soon as possible.

10:12

>> Whoa. Whoa. Hold up. Hold on. Oh my

10:14

gosh. Oh my gosh, that is so cool.

10:16

>> Apparently, you can also use it as a

10:17

scooter. [laughter]

10:20

>> How AI reacts to someone slapping me.

10:24

>> Help me. I'm being slapped. [laughter]

10:27

>> Oh, I see that. Well, that's definitely

10:29

a playful looking slap.

10:31

>> No, it's not. It hurts. [laughter] And

10:33

it's repeated.

10:35

>> Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. If it's

10:37

actually hurting and it's not.

10:38

>> It is actually hurting.

10:41

>> Got it. Well, in that case, I I think

10:43

it's important to let whoever's doing it

10:45

know to please stop.

10:46

>> Hey, please stop. [laughter]

10:48

>> Absolutely. And hopefully they'll

10:50

respect that and give you some space.

10:51

>> They're not.

10:53

>> I'm glad [cough] to hear that.

10:54

[clears throat] It's always good to just

10:55

set those boundaries.

10:57

>> Glad to hear that. Smack. [laughter]

10:58

>> Can you tell them to stop for me?

11:01

>> I definitely wish I could do that

11:02

directly, but I'm just a voice.

11:04

[laughter]

11:04

>> There's aing [music] squirrel in my

11:06

kitchen again.

11:07

>> I think that's the least of your

11:09

problems.

11:10

>> Now you're looking at me. You're looking

11:11

at me crazy like you want to kill me.

11:13

>> Hey, Niagara Falls. As we had

11:18

>> Okay, the pronunciation Niagara. Let's

11:20

uh let's draw it out a little bit. Just

11:22

just just a little bit. When someone

11:24

your age has kids.

11:25

>> So, what are you up to this weekend?

11:26

>> Uh probably just hanging out with my

11:28

son.

11:30

>> Your son? Yeah.

11:31

>> How old are you?

11:32

>> 25. [music] And you you li This is good.

11:35

Yeah. What are you talking about? I just

11:37

didn't think you'd have a son so young.

11:38

You think 25 is young to be a father?

11:41

Ye. Yes. You know, 25 was the average in

11:43

the 1950s. I don't want to know that.

11:45

You're behind. Actually, you need to

11:47

catch up because I have a family and you

11:50

have cats in debt.

11:52

>> She didn't know Michael Jackson died.

11:55

>> This your first time hearing that

11:56

Michael Jackson dead?

11:57

>> Yeah.

11:58

>> So, you didn't know that Michael Jackson

11:59

was dead?

12:00

>> No.

12:01

>> Yeah, baby. Michael Jackson dead.

12:03

>> Huh?

12:04

>> How he dead?

12:05

>> He died?

12:06

>> Yes. How he died? I don't even remember

12:08

how he died, but he been dead for a long

12:09

time. But he's just a very very very

12:12

popular

12:14

uh

12:16

pop music rock artist.

12:19

Well, he's just got lipier music

12:20

>> using AI to help me talk to a celebrity.

12:23

>> I think I see S from the Impractical

12:25

Jokers. What's something funny I should

12:27

say to him?

12:29

>> Well, if you actually cross paths.

12:31

>> No, I I am I think it is him.

12:34

>> You could playfully reference one of

12:35

their classic bits. Maybe say, "Hey, S,

12:38

is this a punishment or you just out

12:40

having a normal day? Keep it light and

12:42

fine."

12:42

>> Okay, I'll get I'll give that a shot.

12:44

Hey, S, is this a punishment or are you

12:47

just having a nice day?

12:50

>> Hey, I'm S from Impractical Jokers and

12:52

someone on the street just walked up to

12:53

me and asked me if this was a punishment

12:55

or if I was just having a nice day. Uh,

12:58

what can I say back to them?

12:59

>> Ready?

12:59

>> Yeah.

13:00

>> Okay. Names of women that we know.

13:02

Jessica.

13:03

>> Amanda.

13:07

>> Amanda.

13:09

>> Okay. Ready?

13:10

>> Mhm.

13:10

>> Names of women that we know.

13:12

>> Jessica.

13:13

>> Heather.

13:14

>> Barbara.

13:14

>> Heather.

13:15

>> I think his wife's name is Heather. What

13:17

do you guys think?

13:18

>> Amanda.

13:19

>> Heather.

13:21

[laughter]

13:22

>> Proof. It doesn't take much to make your

13:23

wife happy.

13:32

What is this? It's

13:34

>> a rock.

13:36

>> My rock, bro.

13:39

>> Homie has cracked the code.

13:41

>> You're just too frequency.

13:43

[laughter]

13:48

>> She's going to frame it.

13:49

>> Just saying. You're always on the brain.

13:54

[music]

13:55

>> Boomer dads versus millennial dads. Dad,

13:58

I went poop. You

13:59

>> got a poopy buddy? You got this one,

14:01

Grandpa?

14:02

>> Oh, I don't do diapers.

14:04

>> Really? Matter

14:05

>> of fact, I never change your diaper.

14:06

[music]

14:07

Not once. Oh, yeah. Um, I'll remember

14:10

that.

14:12

That might backfire one [music] day, old

14:14

man.

14:15

You backfire.

14:18

There'll be a day when

14:23

comes. [singing]

14:25

>> We'll find a place cash. [singing]

14:30

Come. There'll be somebody.

14:36

>> Oh, but that ain't no that ain't here.

14:40

>> That ain't

14:41

>> you. [music]

14:43

[singing]

14:44

>> Voice as smooth as those pants she's

14:46

wearing.

14:47

>> Send this to the sweetest girl you know

14:49

to remind her to drink enough water and

14:52

because she looked absolutely beautiful

14:55

today. But that's nothing new. when your

14:57

husband is chat GPT.

14:59

>> Should we buy this giant skeleton?

15:02

>> I love that you're thinking about that.

15:03

It really depends on a number of

15:05

factors. Square footage, how your

15:07

community engages with Halloween as a

15:08

cultural moment, your current seasonal

15:10

decor aesthetic, and long-term storage

15:12

implications. I will say skeletons have

15:15

always been a popular choice around

15:16

Halloween, so it just depends on your

15:18

goals. Are there Halloween decorations

15:20

for sale already? I'd love to see it.

15:22

Fourth of July, Halloween, Christmas,

15:24

and in that order. You pick her up after

15:27

being mad at you all day.

15:29

>> Oh, here comes Miss Attitude. Hi, baby.

15:31

Take out the trash. Hi, baby. I'm

15:33

hungry. Hi, baby. I need a coffee. I got

15:36

a headache.

15:38

>> What's up, baby?

15:39

>> Hi. Open the door. Hey,

15:43

>> how you doing, my love?

15:44

>> When the ranger has to warn the not so

15:46

bright tourists.

15:48

>> You are outside of your vehicle. Put a

15:50

vehicle between you and the bison.

15:54

You are outside of your vehicle. Put a

15:56

vehicle between you and the bison.

15:58

>> Turning 40.

16:00

>> Hi there.

16:01

>> Are you Mr. William Ducet?

16:02

>> Yes, I am. Is there a

16:03

>> born December 1986? Yes. Great.

16:05

>> What's this about?

16:06

>> As a duly authorized representative of

16:07

the US federal government per federal

16:09

law. In this the year of your 40th

16:11

birthday, you are hereby entitled to

16:13

your man pack. Me. Wish I had a

16:15

multi-tool or something. Let's see. Oh,

16:17

a multi-tool. Could open a lot of stuff

16:18

with this. Oh, it's got a saw. The saw

16:21

is also a ruler. Hemorrhoid pillow. Oh,

16:23

I think I'd know if I had hemorrhoids.

16:24

>> Itchy itchy reading glasses. Come

16:27

[music] on, man. Got the eyes of an

16:28

eagle. I don't need these. Oh, what the

16:30

hell is this? Didn't even read that. A

16:32

locking thermostat cover. Well, that's

16:33

just sensible.

16:35

>> That is just sensible.

16:36

>> Phone holster makes you look important.

16:38

Maybe somebody will think it's a weapon.

16:39

You can make really intrusive, annoying

16:41

phone calls in public.

16:43

Hello. No way. Oh, I'm going to have so

16:46

much cool [ __ ] on my belt. It's real

16:48

leather.

16:50

Okay. Binoculars. What am I going to do

16:52

with binoculars? I don't even like

16:53

birds.

16:54

>> What the [ __ ] are you up to, McCluskey?

16:56

Supposed to have those in by 11:00 a.m.,

16:57

you piece of [ __ ] [laughter] A tufted

17:00

tit mouse.

17:02

>> That annoyed person who includes you for

17:04

some reason.

17:05

>> Jesus, man. Can we get SOME HELP AROUND

17:07

HERE, DOG? RIGHT,

17:11

>> DUDE. We've been waiting for 30 minutes,

17:13

right?

17:15

Like, it doesn't make any sense, right?

17:18

>> A house cleaner confession. The funniest

17:20

hiding spot I've ever seen.

17:22

So you guys, the client that I cleaned

17:24

for said, "Hey, don't worry about, you

17:27

know, wiping down the dishwasher or

17:28

cleaning it out because that's where I

17:31

save my snacks."

17:36

She said she hides them from her husband

17:39

because he his ass don't do no dishes.

17:41

[laughter]

17:43

>> Okay, guys. I came all the way here from

17:45

Fort Worth, Texas with Elbringo Grande

17:47

to get one of these beautiful creatures.

17:49

This is a huge green anaconda. This

17:52

thing is so big I can barely pick it up.

17:55

>> Keep your minds out of the gutter.

17:56

>> Oh my god. Look at the head on here.

17:58

[laughter]

18:00

>> That's white people activity, ma'am. But

18:02

you know what? It's all about that

18:03

culture, not that color. Am I right?

18:06

>> The way to a man's heart is making them

18:08

food. Any homemade food is going to go

18:11

straight to their hearts. So if you

18:13

don't know what to give him, you should

18:15

make him a banana bread or something.

18:17

Gentlemen, this is what we call a

18:18

keeper. I paid $35 for nothing.

18:21

>> I don't know, man. Maybe we'll see

18:22

another Yellowstone flip. Oh, here we

18:25

go. Here we go. What are you going to

18:28

do?

18:30

Someone go pet it. It's a really nice

18:32

one. I saw the same one earlier snuggled

18:34

up with someone like a cat.

18:37

>> Me and my wife have been happily married

18:38

for 6 months.

18:40

>> We've been married for 9 years.

18:41

>> Yeah, I said happy though.

18:43

>> Michael,

18:45

no. Get ready for the best POV ever.

18:54

Now, this is the kind of content the

18:56

internet was made for.

19:00

Hi, my name is Nolan and it's a pleasure

19:02

to meet you. Hi, my name is Nolan and

19:04

it's a pleasure to meet you.

19:10

>> [screaming]

19:14

>> Welcome aboard, folks. We are very proud

19:16

to share that your pilot is the most

19:19

diverse pilot on record. She is a 3'2 in

19:22

transgender pansexual Native American

19:24

man who identifies as a 6-ft tall Korean

19:28

woman. Any volunteers to help reach the

19:30

controls are welcome. You will want to

19:32

buckle up as her epilepsy is often

19:35

triggered by the flashing lights in the

19:37

cockpit. Remember to keep a whisper

19:39

volume level as she may have to consult

19:41

instructional videos as a refresher

19:44

during the flight. Now, can we get a big

19:46

cheer for diversity?

19:59

Now that's what I call progress when

20:01

you're in alto.

20:03

>> Baby call my phone and say you need me

20:07

baby. I'm so green. You got to teach me

20:10

baby from Vancouver. You a BC baby.

20:15

>> Hey babe.

20:16

>> Yeah.

20:17

>> Would you still love me if I was fat and

20:18

ugly?

20:20

>> I do love you honey.

20:22

>> I am not okay. [music]

20:24

>> And he took that personally. Is anybody

20:27

surprised that this is a white hand

20:29

doing this?

20:32

No.

20:41

After that black lady with a snake,

20:43

balance has been restored in the

20:45

universe.

20:47

>> News alert. You are looking live at

20:49

Berlin, Germany. The Associated Press is

20:51

reporting that at least one person is

20:53

dead and several others are injured.

20:55

Berlin Pride, one dead, dozens injured,

20:57

and the suspect is a 21-year-old

20:59

Islamist named Abdul. Shocking. Now, the

21:03

best part of this is that the the

21:05

headline leaves out the guy's last name.

21:07

The guy's last name is Ballout. Ballout.

21:10

Now, Abdul Ballout is a German Lebanese.

21:13

Uh he's already known to police, fresh

21:15

out of jail just a couple months ago, as

21:16

a matter of fact. Now, Ball Out's uh

21:19

idea of progressiveness is renting a van

21:22

and flooring it into a crowd of people

21:24

waving rainbow flags.

21:25

>> And this is what the left wants imported

21:28

into America. I've said it before. It's

21:31

like chickens wanting more KFC's.

21:34

>> I would like to know how you can say

21:35

that they have no ancestral claim to

21:37

this land.

21:38

>> Well, I'd like you to be more specific.

21:39

Which people specifically and which land

21:42

specifically?

21:42

>> I'm talking about the Native Americans

21:44

of

21:44

>> There were many different Native

21:45

American tribes. like me to name all the

21:47

tribes.

21:48

>> And I'd like you to name and the reason

21:49

I would like you to name all the tribes

21:50

is because there were many tribes who

21:52

conquered many other tribes. And just as

21:54

an example, Comanche Indians come in and

21:56

they conquer areas run by the Apache

21:58

Indians. Now the United States comes in

22:01

and it owns that land. To which tribe

22:03

should that revert? When the Spanish

22:05

came to this continent, they did create

22:07

a new race known as Latinos. This is a

22:11

mixture of Spaniards and Native American

22:13

populations. So if we are going to

22:15

revert certain land to native

22:17

populations, why would we not then

22:18

immediately take that land away from

22:20

them? Because they also descend from

22:22

Spanish explorers, I think it's a

22:24

madness of the modern left and it leads

22:26

to crazy policy proposals. I would say

22:29

there's probably no land on planet Earth

22:31

that wasn't conquered at some point by

22:34

someone else non-native to that land.

22:36

This is also a great argument for why we

22:38

shouldn't have reparations. Not every

22:41

black person is a descendant of a slave.

22:44

In fact, many of them are descendants

22:46

from black slave owners. Trying to take

22:49

an aesthetic video and your husband

22:51

ruins it.

22:55

[laughter]

22:55

>> Are you videoing?

23:00

>> If you can't fart with that kind of a

23:02

view, when can you?

23:04

>> I I couldn't have enough.

23:07

Okay, one more. I'm going to have one

23:09

more and then that'll be it.

23:11

>> I don't know who needs to hear this

23:12

today, but up until like 5 minutes ago,

23:15

the Smithsonian Institution, you know,

23:17

the largest museum complex in the world,

23:20

actually believed that these were

23:23

exclusive elements of whiteness and

23:26

white culture among humanity. [music]

23:28

Self-reliance. The nuclear family.

23:31

Objective, rational, linear thinking.

23:34

History focusing [music] on the success

23:36

of Western civilization over other

23:39

cultures. Hard [music] work as the key

23:41

to success.

23:43

>> Sounds like being white is pretty great.

23:45

>> Planning for your future and managing

23:48

your time appropriately. Celebrating

23:50

Christian [music] holidays like

23:52

Christmas, white culture, justice just

23:55

as a concept, [music] including common

23:57

law and protection of private property.

23:59

making decisions, avoiding conflict, and

24:02

prioritizing intimacy [music] with

24:04

people you care about, and being polite.

24:06

How white of you.

24:07

>> Girls dating standards based on age.

24:10

>> I just want to hook up with a guy who's

24:11

hot. I just want a guy who's

24:12

good-looking and fun. I'm looking for a

24:14

man who's in shape, has a good job, and

24:16

wants kids. I'm looking for a man who

24:18

communicates, is family oriented, and is

24:20

looking to have kids within the next 2

24:21

to 3 years. Here are my non-negotiables.

24:23

He has to have a business degree, be

24:25

spiritually grounded, nice to his

24:27

family, never wears necklaces, went to

24:29

summer camp, and has brown hair. I am

24:31

never doing blonde again.

24:33

>> I think I'm going to start dating women.

24:35

>> And this is the evolution of a Kla

24:37

Harris voter. [laughter] If you want to

24:40

be poor, here's the formula. Buy a lot

24:42

of stuff that has wheels. But if you

24:45

want to be happy, this is also the same

24:47

formula. and motors on payments. Seedus,

24:51

four-wheelers, motorcycles, cars,

24:55

trucks, trucks, trucks. How quickly

24:58

girls change their minds.

25:00

>> Hey, do you want to get out of here?

25:02

>> Yeah, that'd be awesome. I'm actually

25:03

trying to meet people.

25:04

>> I'm over it.

25:06

>> Now, do the satire version. [music]

25:11

>> His first mistake was showing interest

25:13

in her when a customer asks an obvious

25:15

question.

25:16

>> All right, here you go. Which one's the

25:18

green apple? What the

25:19

>> I'm so sorry about that. This one's the

25:21

green apple right here.

25:22

>> Thank you.

25:22

>> North Korea, you better watch out. We're

25:24

getting READY TO START LAUNCHING REDNECK

25:26

SESSION.

25:29

[laughter]

25:30

>> HEY. YES.

25:33

What are you doing?

25:35

>> I'm working. It doesn't look like you're

25:37

working.

25:37

>> I'm working.

25:38

>> Are you sure?

25:39

>> I promise you I'm working.

25:41

>> Dream job saw a volcanic eruption at

25:44

sunrise.

25:56

And at what point are you going to start

25:57

to run? When my wife calls me four times

26:00

at work, so I think it's an emergency.

26:03

[music]

26:06

>> So, what are your 25 favorite things

26:08

about me?

26:09

>> Tell me why you love me and make it an

26:11

itemized list.

26:12

>> Being funny. It's like uh being gay.

26:17

Not everyone is,

26:20

but I am.

26:23

Gay or funny? Did Which one? [laughter]

26:27

>> If you think America is a bad place,

26:29

just remember in some countries you

26:31

can't even wear jeans. Here we've got

26:34

folks grocery shopping in pajamas.

26:36

That's freedom, baby.

26:37

>> A song for anyone that's past middleage.

26:40

>> Everything [music] hurts. Everything

26:42

hurts. [laughter] Everything hurts.

26:43

Everything hurts. I love it if I didn't

26:44

work, but everything [music] hurts.

26:46

Everything hurts. Everything hurts.

26:48

Everything hurts. Everything hurts.

26:49

Everything hurts. Don't want to make it

26:50

worse. Don't want to make it worse.

26:52

Everything hurts. Gay or straight?

26:53

>> I'm gay.

26:55

>> This is the first time we've ever had an

26:57

actually gay guy.

26:58

>> People going to think that boy.

26:59

>> You feel like he's gay or straight.

27:01

>> Man, that's a boy.

27:03

>> Why you say that?

27:04

>> On a woman shirt, ain't it? And he got

27:06

on high heels.

27:08

>> Hey, for once they're actually right.

27:10

Remember, it's all in the ankles.

27:22

companies expect us to do?

27:28

Why can't you just print what the

27:31

chocolates are on the bottom of the lid?

27:35

>> Hey, would you want me to get a bigger

27:36

butt?

27:40

>> What?

27:41

>> I feel like this is a trap.

27:43

>> Would you want me to get a bigger butt?

27:44

Like go to the gym and like make it

27:46

bigger

27:49

>> if you want. Yeah,

27:50

>> cuz I feel like everyone's doing that

27:51

these days.

27:54

>> Yeah.

27:54

>> You know, like getting bigger butts.

27:56

>> For sure.

27:58

>> So, what do you want me to do?

28:00

>> It's totally up to you. That's a you

28:01

decision.

28:02

>> You know my friend Stephanie from work.

28:04

>> Uh, do I? I don't know.

28:07

>> Super pretty.

28:08

>> I'm I'm not ringing a bell. No.

28:10

>> Never heard of her.

28:11

>> Okay. Well, anyway, she set this goal

28:13

for the month of January to get a bigger

28:14

butt. She's calling it a gym BBL.

28:18

Yeah,

28:18

>> that is crazy.

28:19

>> All she does is go to the gym and like

28:21

do glute exercises now.

28:23

>> Wow.

28:25

And which gym was she going to?

28:27

[laughter]

28:28

>> Why?

28:28

>> Just making conversation.

28:30

>> Um I I think the one by the mall.

28:32

>> The mall? Yeah, that's the mall next to

28:34

uh to Panka Canyon and Ver.

28:37

>> I [laughter]

28:38

think so.

28:38

>> Perpendicular to that whole thing,

28:40

right?

28:40

>> So, what do you do for work?

28:41

>> I'm actually a magician.

28:43

>> No way. Like a close-up magician?

28:44

>> A far away magician? Oh, can I see?

28:53

>> Was that your card?

28:54

>> I think that's my card.

28:55

>> Was that YOUR CARD?

28:56

>> THAT IS MY CARD. ACTUALLY, I don't know.

28:58

I'm sorry. I can't see a thing.

29:00

>> Had to stop and get something to drink.

29:09

>> Hey, dude.

29:12

Is this a Dodge Ram?

29:14

>> Yeah. Um, take my card in case you need

29:16

a tow. I got a Ford right there. I can

29:19

tell you.

29:22

[laughter]

29:23

>> I like this guy. I don't know why.

29:25

Embarrassing my wife at red lights.

29:27

>> You don't have a chance with me. I'm

29:29

married. Okay, stop cat calling me. You

29:31

don't have a chance with me. [laughter]

29:37

>> How AI reacts to simple instructions.

29:40

>> Can you laugh at everything I say just

29:42

to make me feel funny?

29:44

I can definitely throw in some last if

29:46

that makes you happy.

29:48

>> Everything.

29:50

>> All right, I'm on it. Just warming up.

29:53

Feel free to say anything.

29:55

>> I It smells nice in here.

29:59

>> Well, there you go. Even talking about

30:02

nice smells is

30:03

>> I just crashed my car.

30:06

>> Oh. Uh, well, okay. [laughter] That

30:08

one's a little dark.

30:09

>> My grandma's dead. She's born dead.

30:13

Oh, [laughter] I'm really sorry to hear

30:14

that.

30:15

>> Supposed to laugh.

30:17

>> Got it. Understood. I'll keep the laugh.

30:19

>> Let me try it again. My grandma's been

30:22

dead.

30:23

>> Oh gosh, that's a tough one to laugh at,

30:25

but I totally get what you're going for.

30:27

So, uh, there we go. It's a little

30:29

checkle for you.

30:32

>> You think that's pretty funny?

30:34

[laughter]

30:34

>> Well, I'm here to roll with the request.

30:36

So, if it makes you feel a little

30:38

lighthearted, then sure. I think it's

30:40

all in good fun. You [clears throat]

30:41

think it's funny? My grandma's dead.

30:43

[laughter]

30:47

>> Yeah.

30:47

>> What's the word that your dad always

30:49

mispronounces on purpose?

30:51

>> Good job. It always came out, are you

30:54

stupid?

30:56

[laughter]

30:57

>> What video made you laugh? Drop a

30:59

comment down below. Don't forget to like

31:01

and subscribe to Conservative Vibes. I'm

31:04

Stevie and I'll see you in the next

31:07

video. If you identify as American, grab

31:09

a t-shirt from conservative vibes.com.

31:11

[music]

31:12

>> That's those conservative vibes, country

31:16

roots, and American pride.

31:19

If you made [music] it this far, go and

31:21

hit that subscribe. We'll be right back

31:23

tomorrow with conservative vibes.

31:28

Oh [music]

31:29

yeah.

31:30

So, God bless you.

31:32

>> God bless [music] home. From the back

31:34

row

31:35

>> to the heart of the globe

31:36

>> till the next good [music] talk

31:38

>> till the next deep dive.

31:39

>> You keep your faith, your fire in your

31:42

conservative eye.

31:45

[music]

31:51

[music]

More transcripts

Explore other videos transcribed with YouTLDR.

Get the TLDR of any YouTube video

Transcribe, summarize, and repurpose videos in 125+ languages — free, no signup required.

Try YouTLDR Free